Ehme

Have you ever had plastic or elective surgery? Did you tell anyone? Why or why not? 
Submitted by Beth Punches. 

My nose that I have now is not the nose that I was born with.

I never told people until a year ago when I got really intoxicated and told a room full of people and let them all poke at it.

I did not tell people about it, because if I told people about the accident that happened that got me this nose I would start crying and being all emotional wah-wah....and I just don't do that.

So.

My nose is not real.

The End.

Drawer Geeks Kids Artwork  I was fascinated with this idea.  Take ordinary kids artwork and give it to a "real artist' to see what they do with it.  I love these monsters and dinosaurs.  Often I like the kids version better, and I can't help but wonder if the kids are offended when they see what the "artists" have done to their work.  My friend and I had an idea to open an art gallery that only had children's art work in it, I still think that is a damn fine idea.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 30 seconds. With Bunnies!  Pretty much all of these short animation features are worth a click. Star Wars and Resevoir Dogs are top notch. 

perfect website for people who love lists  Holy crap this is addictive.  I lost an entire evening to this the other night.  Doing the lists leads to falling into the 43 places website where you start clicking on every single place you have ever been in your life.  Interesting, but time sucking.

When I grow up I want to be this woman.  I love this woman.  I love her writing and her photography and her punk ass kids.  When I grow up I want to live on a ranch. 

Kiss Your conscience goodbye!  I am the least liberal of all my liberal hippy friends, and I found this tres amusant.

Mr. Picassohead!  ok.  it's tax time.  i have been wasting a lot of time on the intermanet trying to avoid work. 

now you can do the same!

Book: Show us a great biography or memoir.

The Liars' Club: A Memoir

Mary Karr

What's the infamous story people tell about you? 
Submitted by Cherney.

I think they are all infamous by this point. 

Probably getting deported from Canada. 
or
Making Eric Clapton stop bumping into me with his damn chair.
or
Setting fire to that car.
or
Keifer Sutherland having me arrested.
or
puking on David Letterman.
or
June 13th, 1997.
or
any one of 2,469 "infamous" Ehme is such an uber bitch stories....

ugh.

The list goes on and on. 

I am much happier leading this un-infamous life of mine.  Infamy is not all it is cracked up to be.

Kinda fun.  Courtesy of Steve P

1) Go to Wikipedia

2) In the search box, type your birth month and day but not the year.

3) List three events that happened on your birthday

4) List two important birthdays and one death

5) One holiday or observance (if any)

APRIL 8

Events

1974 - Hank Aaron breaks baseball great's Babe Ruth's record by hitting his 715th home run.

1899 - Martha Place becomes the first woman to be executed in an electric chair.

1867 - The first World's Fair is inaugurated in Paris.

Birthdays

1842 - Elizabeth Bacon Custer, wife of George Armstrong Custer (d. 1933)

1892 - Mary Pickford, Canadian actress (d. 1979)

1966 - Robin Wright Penn, American actress

Wikipedia does not mention the most FAMOUS person born on my birthday...Buddha....

Deaths

1990 - Ryan White, American activist (AIDS) (b. 1971)

Wikipedia also does not mention that Kurt Cobain was found on this day, completely RUINING my 20th birthday party.  Apparently they list his death as April 5th.  Ew.  Ripe.

Holidays

• Buddha's Birthday in Japan

but this year....it is easter.  boo.

What, to you, is the first sign of spring? Have you seen it yet?
Submitted by Spy.

Simply because of the lovely Sue, motorcycles.

and i saw one today.

What's one of your favorite quotes? 
Submitted by Georgie-boy. 

It's good to have friends, even in hell.

which I believe is a Bulgarian or Spanish proverb

and....

There are three wants which never can be satisfied:  that of the rich, who wants something more; that of the sick, who wants something different; and that of the traveler, who says, Anywhere but here."  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

What was your favorite game to play at recess in grade school? 
Submitted by Elisheva Chana.

*Try not to get the shit kicked out of yourself!
*Please Don't Put that In My Hair!
*Invisible Girl!
*I'm Rubber, Your Glue!
*No Really, I Don't Want That In My Hair!
*Read a Book On The Monkey Bars!
*Get Pushed Off The Monkey Bars!
*The Nurse's Office Smells Like Whiskey!
*Watch People Jump Off The Swings!
*Sigh.

What family member do you most aspire to be like?  Why?
Submitted by MalieKai.

Most definitely my father. 

My father is my favorite human in the world.  A couple of years ago I thought I had lost my dad completely-- when he was diagnosed with psychotic depression.  Just thinking about him in the state he was in caused me to cry, because the man he was, was in no way the man that set the bar for judging every other person in my life. 

My father was raised on an Illinois farm and led a typical mid-century, mid-western life.  After college he moved to the West, where he was a smoke jumper, a forester, an artist and a mountain man.  He brought my air force brat mother with him, and they lived in the woods and had fabulous adventures that I will never tire of hearing or relaying. 

My father has adapted his entire life, always finding the balance between providing for his family and doing things he enjoyed. 

He was an auctioneer, a antique dealer, a farmer, a furniture restorer, a basket maker, a butcher, an employee of the federal government, a handyman, a sawyer, and the most even tempered person that I have ever met. 

When my brother and I were 11 and 5 respectively we became obsessed with a plastic set of cowboy and indian toys that came in a padded case that was emblazoned with the words FORT APACHE!  We played Fort Apache all the time.  Everywhere.  It was one of the last times in my life I remember getting along with my brother.  My father took it upon himself to make us our very own life size Fort Apache, and for weeks he cut down tall lodgepole pine trees and pulled them into the middle of our pasture.  Within a month we had a full-size, true to detail cowboy fort.  With stairs, cut outs for guns, and even a flag pole.  Everyday before we went to school we would raise the flag on Fort Apache, and every evening we would bring it down. 

While talking to my brother on the phone last week, he mentioned that he had met up with a high school friend of ours. 

"Do you know that H. asked me if we were abused children?  She always thought that Dad beat us."

"The only abuse we ever suffered was an over-abundance of freedom."

It made me sad to think that some random person has spent the past 15 years of her life thinking that my father was an abusive person.

oh well.  she is an idiot. 

and my father has never had time for idiots.  much like myself.

While my father was sick, I missed the tone of laughter in his voice more than anything.  He could not talk full sentences.  Bringing up the past made him slip into a deeper depression.  Bringing up the future was likely to make him cry.

My father!  The mountain man!  Crying!  Worrying about mortality and looking old. 

If you tried to give him his medication, he accused you of trying to kill him.  He didn't trust any of us, and seeing him like that was the most painful moment of my life.

My father is mostly back now.  I can talk to him on the phone without crying. 

I admire the fact that he made it through his sickness, especially in a part of the country that still sees mental illness as self inflicted and self curable.   On days when I feel myself slipping into that part of his genetics, I use his face and words to pull me out. 

I want more than anything to be like my father, and it is also one of my greatest fears that I will end up like him.

reposted here because i think e. will get a kick out of my misery.....

From a fourth grade questionnaire that yours truly filled out for one Ms. Byrnes my incredibly dreamy student teacher:

What would you like to be when you grow up?
"Anything that does not require math."

there is a little note from Ms. Byrnes next to that that says, "Everything requires math!"  There are little hearts next to it.

I want to call up Ms. Byrnes right now and tell her to stuff it.  Perhaps even a "stuff it cuntlicker", would be in order.

More so, I want to call up Chris Weiss, my senior year math teacher (I honestly cannot remember what sort of math class it was, I was drunk.) and tell him he is a cocksore.

Mr. Weiss, after enduring an entire year of being my teacher fifth period--a.k.a post whiskey lunch nap period--told me on my last day of school, as he handed me my final grade of 6%...

"I hope to hell you end up with a career that involves lots of math in repayment for the hell you have subjected me to."

I laughed and told him that novelists don't need math skills and skipped out the door to go have some rye and coke before I went to government class.

I bet that he laughed his ass off at stupid drunk me. 

How I would like to throttle him.

I am buried in a pile of math.

work work and more work, all of it involving numbers....unless i am lucky enough to write some sort of letter to someone....which i haven't been in months.

i finish numbers for one job, and i turn around and i am faced by a giant box of papers, every single one of them with numbers on them.

i have started a new job....another bookkeeping job.  a very easy bookkeeping job that makes my other bookkeeping jobs seem even that more hellish.

i will start another hellish bookkeeping job in two weeks.

i think i might stab myself in the eye with a calculator.

being selfishly employed allows me much more time to do things i like, such as writing, reading, watching tv, eating and chasing dust bunnies.

if i had a real job again, one that was not so mathematically icky, i would hate it.

i like not having to talk to people if i don't want to.

but right now i don't like math.

or bar owners.

or bank statements from 2004.

or spreadsheets.

or numbers. 

i started this because i had some sort of incredibly deep thought about the 180 degree turn my life has taken because of math, but i don't remember it right now.

i think it had something to do with the fact that i am actually very good at math.

and perhaps if i had not been drunk all during high school, and that if i had taken math seriously, and aspired to be a mathematics student instead of a writer,

i would be a writer right now.